My quit timeline
(Prequel Picture: daily smoke record started in Jan 04 after a visit to an ER. I was quite sick,
coughing up mucus almost to the point of choking. The ER doctor asked if I smoked. Hearing yes, he said
“I could tell you were a smoker by looking at you. If you do not stop you will have emphysema.
I vowed to myself to cut back. Not quit. Cut back, yes.And so these notes grew and grew for ten years.)
An ordinary summer, smoking is bad for me, but whatever.
Summer of 2013, I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day at this time, but had smoked
up to a pack and a half at times throughout my 35 (more or less) years of smoking.
I had no thought of quitting, nothing at all until the fall of 2013.
An unlikely moment of sanity came upon me
Mid Sept 2013. In September I happened to be adding up the cost of replacement
parts for my upright piano when I came to the conclusion that I could not really afford it.
In a flash, I suddenly saw how absurd this was to think, since I knew that I allowed
for 1800 bucks a year for cigarettes. I also knew that my insurance premiums were
higher due to my status as a smoker. In an instant (it happened that fast--not that I hadn’t
considered or tried quitting before) I decided to give it a chance.
Mid Sept through October 4. I searched for good quit ideas on the internet--websites and
youtube. Started making a list of do-s taken from various websites (NH Quits for one) and
Youtube quit videos (avoided headlines and titles such as The Easy Way to Quit, Quit in 24 hours
--anything indicating that if I read something, ate something, took something I’d have a knee
slapping good time quitting). Created a plan (idea of making a plan came from online)
that included writing down options as to what I would do instead of smoke.
I did not set a quit date but knew what my approximate quit date would be because it
was based on the carton of cigarettes that I had left. That was my way of deciding:
I figured that it ought not take longer than that. But I was influenced by NH Quits which
suggested (as do others) that the quit date should not be so far out that one
risks losing motivation.
October 1 2013. Became clear to me that my cigarettes would last a few days.
Confirmed to myself that my quit was on. No stretching the date. No more wondering.
Smoke up, then be done. In the last few days of my smoking I was both excited and worn out.
Decades of smoking was so familiar, but I had to turn my mind away from that reality, focusing
only on quitting. I stretched the remaining bunch of cigarettes out to last the last three days
--ever away of my ration. Smoking only 6 or 7 cigarettes meant that I could smell more than
I did when a pack was my daily average.
October 3 2013. High fall was underway in New Hampshire. My last day smoking. I had
a remainder of 5 cigarettes, maybe 6. One was broken--I was determined to smoke that one, too
and so taped it together.
Smoked my last cigarette around 8 in the evening out in the back hall, looking out the door
up at the stars. Went to bed.
October 4, 2013. Smobiety journey starts. Carried on with my day. Walked. Felt dazed
and excited but crazy. Not sure what the future held. But stuck to no smokes. I’d had a 9 hour quit in
2009, one that I believed might be it! But I’d decided suddenly in the morning without much thought
about it. Instead I wanted to muscle my way to quitting by refusing not to smoke from now on
--deciding right then and there. Didn’t work, and so as this first day of quitting progressed,
I was on red alert for crazy me deciding that quitting just wasn’t worth it. I had no time for joy,
instead I was on guard. Would I crack? I did not. Made it all day, went to bed.
October 2013. Quit days added up. Focused on walking, reading, occupying my time with
distractions (followed the list, the plan). Felt jittery (drank too much coffee) and felt nuts.
Restless, couldn’t focus on anything. Cleaned cupboards. Began to feel resentful about feeling
dazed. Wished I would feel different, stayed busy. Found more youtube videos about quitting,
or about tobacco companies and tobacco---kept watching so as to stay focused on my quit goal
--or to make sense of how I felt.
November 2013. Tended to accept that I could stay quit because I had, so let more
friends and family know that I had quit. Drank too much coffee. Walked, kept busy Ate sugar.
Puffed on a straw and pretended to be an insane smoker. Wanted my feelings and mind to get better.
Stayed smober.
December 2013. Looked toward winter coming, walked in town (especially looked for
location of pigeons who could be grouped in many parts of town), took photos, drew from pics,
drank too much coffee, ate candy and snacks and felt weird and upset a lot. Continued to
fake smoke (on occasion) by puffing on straws and acting like an unrepentant smoke-a-holic
but didn’t smoke. Decided that if things did not get better, then I’d go back to smoking, but not
today, wait a bit. Take some time. Not today.
January 2014. Continued to devise and concoct schemes to feel better. Looked for improvement.
Walked, read, stayed busy. Drank coffee as nicotine replacement. Saw a local park that I and so
many love logged at nearly every place. Screamed in disbelief. Swore revenge. Didn’t smoke.
Noticed I’d gained about 12 pounds, couldn’t wear most of my jeans. Felt unhappy, pissed off
and disgusted. Still, didn’t smoke.
February-March 2014. Continued to stay busy. Tried to find happy-to-quit mindset. Found it
nowhere. Worried that I’d never feel happy or interested in anything without a cigarette.
Hid my feelings from others, and put on a I’m-doing-this face at times. Felt like punching the
God of my understanding in the face. Stayed busy, noticed birds on the river during my walks,
began to photograph, identify and draw.
April 2014. Still walking everyday when not at work. Walked up a nearby wooded hill because
of the weight gain--I figured the uphill climb would do me good. It was a hill I’d walked every
half dozen years or so since childhood. Often enough to have an association, but not often
enough to know the place through and through. At the top of the hill, I said, hey see you in another
decade. And suddenly, the thought came to me, why another decade? Why not regularly.
And so it began, a relationship with a non temperamental hill that would always be there for me no
matter how I felt. By walking this hill regularly, I got in strenuous exercise and saw the four seasons.
Snowshoes and yaks in winter, on foot along steep forested paths during the good months.
I took photos from the top. I took comfort in the moment, but felt empty, like something was missing.
May through September 2014. Fell up the steep hill drinking coffee and eating apple
turnovers bought from a nearby bakery--still wondering when I’d feel normal. When I forgot to think,
I started focusing on the forest, the happenings in the woods, the inhabitants. I started adding more
nature books to my stay-busy reading library. Continued to draw and take photos--especially birds.
Visited my beloved park, continued to swear revenge. Didn’t smoke.
October 2014 -June 2015 Faced various stresses which seemed unsolvable. Nearly lost my mind,
but not my quit. The stressors either ended, or I learned better coping skills--either way, life got
better. I got a little happier, month by month, with each situation addressed.
Walked nearly everyday--in town, up the hill, along a river and in a nearby park. I focused
on the seasons and their attributes--tried to commit details to memory.
Drew, focused on body and face--quick sketched downtown. Remembered that I’d smoke
and draw in the car. Identified with the experience, didn’t smoke and looked away, although
frustrated, from that association.
July 2015--December 2015 Without much fanfare, a period of calm settle in. Life seemed
normal. Smobriety didn’t seem as weird. Had a few fleeting moments of relief and pride in
realizing that I hadn’t smoked when I felt really terrible about people, places or things.
It was clear that I did not have to smoke, might want to, but didn’t have to.
2016 A happy year all in all. Joined Ex in August 2016. I’d signed into a different quit site
and then discovered within days that the site had been having login problems for over a year.
I moved on, finding Ex via google search. The name I wanted marycigfree wasn’t available
so I brashly forged ahead by impatiently mixing the same words up, thereby, choosing a
name that sounds like I’m giving away free cigarettes. But the sign up worked and I soon engaged.
I chose a community because I still needed to understand my new normal two years and
ten months later! (Not so new anymore, but why did it still seem new?)
In the community, I responded to new quitters, read blogs, looked at some
of the info pages--got a sense that the community was strong, consistent. Stuck around.
Saw people come and stay, come and go. Heard stories of what it is like to live with
COPD, heard stories of going back to smoking years after quitting. Got to liking newcomers
who came back everyday to say they were still not smoking. Saw some slip away, came to
understand my smobriety must always be firm within my mind and not based on people, places,
circumstances or things.
All seemed good.
2017 Smobriety felt more me than only a regimen of persistence.
February 2 my brother passed away unexpectedly (though in failing health). A year of grief
followed. I walked up my smobriety hill, carried on, did what I ought to do.
Mark of Ex sent me an email in March or April 2017 about becoming an advisory
board member . I’d drifted away from Ex but logged in to the newly revamped website to catch up.
I stayed. Took note of an oft repeated smobriety thought on Ex-- ‘life keeps happening after we quit.’
2018 Steadily finding acceptance for the loss of my brother. Visit Ex almost daily in the late
afternoon. Continue to relearn life without the cigarettes--but my smobriety roots have grown
deeper, certainly in part, due to the experience, strength and hope of many smober Ex members
who show up and share and encourage.
Acquiring a deeper appreciation why nicotine addiction is called an addiction. Accepting more
fully that smobriety is one day at a time sojourn of building a ever stronger foundation,
and by living life on life’s terms.
June 2018,
I continue to notice nature’s comings and goings. Continue to draw, take photos, walk. But these
things that were done to keep me distracted from smoking or thinking about it so much in 2013
and 2014, are now happy routines.
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