How much is that dream in the window

Welp, it's been 2.5 years since I ditched the smokies-- those dear old friends.

These are certainly not the words spawned from an inspiring heroic journey--that of quitting. I really do miss the smokes, and I am not a hero. Yet, I'm also a quitter for 2.5. My dependency on the butts was deeper than I could imagine back in the fall of 2013 when I fell into quitting. Thereafter I got lost. I thought it would take a month or two to come to my senses, then I'd be liberated from my addiction.

I did not smoke, but I was not liberated from my addiction. It turns out that during all of this time, the most important change that occurred is that I've been learning to live without the smokes everyday, right up to today.

I've got my own running joke every time I calculate how long I've been smoke free; basically I say (how ever long it happens to be) the years/months in a growling, grudging monster like way. Then I give a cackle. Because I know it is for the best.

At times, I've felt like a complete nut job. And wondered what in hell is wrong with my mind. I think support would have helped-- maybe. I guess I am in the process of learning coping skills that I had previously assigned to my smokes. They did all the coping, all I had to do was light up. And I road that trick solidly from age 17 or so until I quit 2.5 years ago at the age of almost 55.

Everybody finds their own way in coping, both with the stress of quitting and then the daily stresses that naturally come and go.

I've changed from raging  (for example, such as the time when a printer failed me in 2014) to learning to figure out solutions to problems in a calm manner. The change is real and deep, but, like the quitting, it has taken, and is taking time and repetition to learn this new trick.

I've also coped by walking a lot, and sometimes, I've coped by avoiding problems altogether (especially first 1.5 years) when I did not feel fit enough.

My coping mantra is:
If you can't get through it, go around it. There is a follow up joke to this--Don't worry about what you won't deal with today, because it will come around again and you will have another chance to deal with it.

I'm still dreaming of a full liberation from the addiction, but for now I trust that I stumbled upon a good decision 2.5 years ago.